This one is quite a personal post to me and something I felt I needed to write down to help deal with what I was, and am, feeling, and in hope that it might resonate with other single mums the day you have to say goodbye to your child as they go to dads for the night, or day or week.
Only a few weeks ago my son began to have his first overnight stay at his dad which is now a regular once a week thing. I was feeling so anxious about it, and nervous (they are practically the same thing however I believe I felt both) I know his Dad loves him and cares for him...but the responsibility aspect makes me nervous. So when my son comes home at night I know he is safe, and anything that may happen in the night I will be there. Maybe its a control thing. However its just make me feel at peace knowing my little man is asleep in the next room.
So a few weeks ago (when I began to write this post) I got food poisoning. It was not fun. I was exhausted and had no energy left. The first day I was to drop my son off with his father ,to not see him until 5 o'clock the next day, I was beyond tired and really hadn't hard time to process (which meanwhile the 3 weeks prior I have done nothing but feel sick about the whole thing) I then went to work and struggled to function, or even type a simple email. I actually left early that day and came home and slept. My little man being away from me was no longer at the forefront of my mind.
I went out that evening for a few hours (even thought I felt unwell), after having a 2 hour nap I decided I needed to be busy and not be in the house. I don't know why, I just felt like I wasn't going to cope (ridiculous hey?!) I went out and realised I was being an idiot. I wasn't well and I should probably make the most of not having my son there to care for to actually recover.
I came home that night and it felt weird. The cot was empty, I really missed him. I felt lost. When he has stayed with my mum on the odd occasion I know he is only a phone call away, however now I couldn't get to him. He felt like he is another world that Im not a part of, or allowed into. I felt sad. However on the other side I got to sleep in an extra 30mins the next morning and just had to get dressed, put on some make up and away to work I go. No drop off points, not waiting for him to be collected by his father. Just straight to work. Something I hadn't done for 2 years!
I was finally able to enjoy that freedom I have barely experienced in the past 2 years. How crazy is that? I haven't had the freedom to just go out and do what I want to do in 2 years. I forgot what is was like to come home from work and just sit on the couch, or go to the gym and being able to complete a full circuit class, or just going to a friend 'hey lets catch a movie' This was just as much a weird experience for me as my son being away overnight once a week.
Its only been 3 weeks since this routine started and its safe to say I'm adjusting well. All my friends and family have been telling me that I need this freedom, I need time to myself. I just didn't understand. I felt I could do it all. I would work with what I have, and what I need to take responsibility for, and I was ok to give up these 'freedoms'. But since that first uncomfortable week of adjustment. I actually enjoy having a night off. I know that he comes back the next day and I know I have one night a week I can be an adult. Clearly I can be an adult more nights then that but there is so much more planning involved...a topic again for another day.
I know I probably sound silly, having anxiety with my son leaving to be away 1 night a week. I feel ridiculous even writing this. But its how I felt and if I am deemed a 'crazy obsessed mum' well so be it...
Signing off 'crazy obsessed mum' and damn proud of it...xo